Focus on You

At some point in time, we all play the fool.  It's true..and anyone who says they haven't is probably lying to themselves.  We enter into situations that we think we can handle and advise the other party that we are okay.  When in fact...its the total opposite.

Just like men, women like a challenge. We tend to think that we can make that man who has other women choose us over them.  But honestly, why would he choose when he is getting what he wants out of the situation?  Yeah, he likes you.  You get some great conversation, great intimacy and some gifts along the way. Unfortunately, that's where it ends.  Very seldom does this "homie lover friend" become your life partner or husband.  

If you are honest with yourself in the beginning, it will always be what it is.  Even if you catch feelings, there is very little chance that the two of you will become an item.  Especially if you expect him to be exclusive.  He has shared all of his other relationships with you and you happily accepted them.  So think really hard on why he would wait until now to change. And in most cases, when you express to him that you want to be exclusive, he is gonna agree to work at it.  He is gonna say whatever you want to hear.  He doesn't want to lose any of his options, so the goal is to appease you by saying anything to please you at that moment.  

Don't be upset with yourself when have that aha moment.  It happens to the best of us.  After all, who doesn't want exclusivity?  Most women don't want to share, but we tend to settle and dream up all the possibilities in our heads.  Pick yourself up.  Stop accepting his calls, stop letting him stop by.  Don't make excuses for anything and move on.   

Instead of dwelling on how hard you fell for him, turn that energy into something positive and productive.  Work on you.  Try and figure out how you won't get into a similar situation in the future.  Spend some time with your child.  Find a new hobby if that helps.  But don't spend anymore time worrying about a man who isn't worried about YOU!

It could happen to you, Part 2

Statistics show that every 9 seconds in the U.S. a woman is abused or beaten.

Even though the month of October is over, Domestic Abuse still occurs every day.  My previous blog post was written from an adults perspective.  This blog post will reflect an interview from the child of an abused woman.  Unfortunately, Aqueelah's mother did not live to tell her story.  It was through this unfortunate turn of events that I met her and we shared a common bond of recently losing a parent to violence back in the 80's.  I could not imagine having to grow up without my mother.  Its such a tremendous loss. 

S: Did you know your mother was being abused? 

A: When it was happening, no I did not. Once she was killed then I knew. She would lie to my brother and I and tell us that her black eyes came as a result of a bowl falling out the cupboard and hitting her in the eye. And anything my mother told me I believed so I never thought twice. And to mention I was only 10 years old at the time and my brother was 6 years old.     

S: Did your family ever try to intervene? 

A: I remember a time of my uncles coming over to set him straight but he wasn't there and my mother assured them that everything was fine and she could take care of it. But other than that there was no other family intervention to my knowledge.  

S: How has the loss of your mother affected your life?  

A: The biggest thing I wonder about my mother is how differently would my life be if she was here. Thanks to my grandmother and family members I had an excellent childhood and upbringing. But in the back of my mind I always wonder how my life would have gone if my mother was here to raise me.    

S: How do you feel about abusers?  

A: Abusers are the scum of the Earth. Any man that puts his hands on a woman is a coward. 

 

S: What advice do you have for children of abused parents? 

A: I know that it is a heavy burden for a kid to bear but please tell someone. Unlike me, I was totally oblivious to the situation but had I known then I would more than likely said something to a family member or told my teacher at school. You may get in trouble for telling but you may also save the abused parents life.  

I understand its hard for the victim to be abused, but imagine what a child goes through.  In my friends case, imagine what she felt as her family explained that she would never see her mother again.  Thankfully, she had wonderful family members to step in and take care of her and her brother, but no one can ever take the place of her mother.  To all the women out there in an abusive relationship, please remember that every life is important.  Don't be afraid to tell someone, they may help build you up to leave the situation.  Mothers if you have teenagers or young adults, please stress the importance of recognizing when their friends/boyfriends/girlfriends have abusive tendencies.

For more statistics, check out: http://domesticviolencestatistics.org/domestic-violence-statistics/